Why Her?
by Aramenialys
Summary: Just one last battle. One. Then they can be done and put everything behind them. That was the plan. Then it's smashed to bits, and Kylo has to figure out how to come back from tragedy and form a new one. A short drabble/oneshot about Rey dying and (redeemed) Kylo learning to cope.


**A/N: Real sunny summary, I know.** **I just started writing and this was the result. I wasn't even planning on posting this, but then it appeared and I was like, eh, what the heck. Enjoy!**

* * *

" _REY! NO!_ "

The shout was loud and Rey knew very near to her, but it echoed dully, seemingly far away. Everything was blurry...fuzzy...foggy. Then suddenly, everything was...floating? No wait, she was falling. Falling because her knees had buckled and given way, causing her to crash to the ground in a heap. She lay there, staring up at the ceiling, everything seeming far away and faded, almost like she was looking at it through thick glass. The ground was cold, hard. She wanted to squirm but when she tried to move she found she couldn't. A bright flash and a thud next to her startled her, but she wasn't cognisant enough to react too much to it. Suddenly, warm, strong arms pulled her into something soft and just as warm. Hot breaths disturbed stray hair as a narrow face with raven hair falling around it in a halo came into focus. She smiled in spite of herself.

"Ben."

He brought his hand up to cup her face and she noticed joyfully that it wasn't covered by tough material. It was _his_ hand; rough and calloused by years of rigorous training and wielding a lightsaber. He rubbed his thumb across her cheek, causing her to smile even wider.

"You're Ben."

"Yes, I am. I am, all because of you. You're going to be just fine, Rey, but we have to get you out, okay? We're gonna get you out of here, just stay with me. Stay with me, sweetheart, okay? I need you to stay with me."

Waves of exhaustion rolled over Rey and she began to close her eyes, thinking a little nap wouldn't hurt. After all, Ben was asking that she stay with him, and she certainly wouldn't be going anywhere if she was sleeping.

"No! No, Rey, you can't do that. Open your eyes. Keep your eyes open, sweetheart. Look at me. Look right here; look at me."

"I'm tired, Ben. Just two minutes."

He smiled, but something about the way his lip curled was a little off. "It won't work like that. Not right now. I just need you to keep your eyes open for me, okay?"

Rey frowned, but she did as she was told and fought to keep her eyes open. Ben continued stroking her cheekbone with his thumb and smiling awkwardly, repeating over and over to her that it was okay. That she was okay. She didn't understand what he meant; of _course_ she was okay. Just a little...out of it. She noticed his eyes continuing to flick down to her midsection and she wondered what could possibly be so interesting to him about it. Out of curiosity, she stretched her hand down to touch it, and Ben went to catch her hand. She was too fast. Before he could move her hand away, she felt something wet and sticky covering her tunic. She pulled her hand in front of her face and it was covered in red.

Blood. She was bleeding. Profusely.

Suddenly, nothing was fuzzy anymore and an almost unbearable pain blossomed from the source of all that blood. She remembered exactly what she'd been doing before this and could make a guess as to how she'd gotten here. Someone had come up from behind and stabbed her. All the blood drained from her face.

"Somebody got me, I guess," she tried to chuckle. The movement made the pain flare and she hissed through her teeth.

Ben must have realized she had come out of whatever trance she'd been in because his eyes darkened. He wrapped his arms tighter around her and pulled her head closer to his chest.

"You're going to be fine, Rey. They went for a help a couple minutes ago. You're gonna be okay, just hold on. Hold on for me."

"Ben, it may be my ti-"

"Shhh…" he whispered, running his hand over her hair. "Don't you say that. Don't talk like that; we're gonna get you out of here; you're not gonna leave me. Not now." More to himself than Rey he mumbled, " _Please_ , not now."

But Rey knew what he was trying to do. She'd done it several times before, herself. When someone foresaw something they didn't want to accept, they did _everything_ they could to deny it. Ben had seen her stabbed. He'd seen her collapse. He'd seen her wound, that had apparently _not_ been made by a saber because he saw how much blood the wound had produced. And he saw what would probably result from that; now, she was going to die lying here in Ben's arms, and there wasn't anything he, she, or anyone else could do about it. But Ben didn't want to accept that. In fact, Ben probably _wouldn't_ accept that until long after she was gone.

"Ben-"

"No. Don't talk; you need to save your strength. You can tell me later, okay?"

"But Ben, I-"

"Rey-"

" _Ben."_

She gripped his hand to make sure she had his attention, and he looked at her, his expression pained. She saw that his dark eyes glistened, on the verge of tears, but he was holding them off. Trying to be strong for her.

"I may not get to tell you later, okay? I have to tell you now to make sure that you know."

Ben nodded, squeezing her hand back just as hard as she was squeezing his.

"I love you," she said, making sure her voice was as strong as she could make it so there would be no mistaking that she'd said those exact words.

She forced her pain to the back of her mind and ignored the pull on her eyelids; she couldn't give in to those things right now. She had to at least try to hold on for Ben, or help him begin to cope with her probable death.

"I love you, and even if I-"

"Don't," Ben whimpered.

Rey gave him a pitying gaze, reaching up with her hand to move some of his hair behind his ear. "Even if I _die_ , Ben, I will still love you."

Her words seemed to stab him, each syllable after _die_ causing him to jolt. The tears that had formed in his eyes threatened to fall any moment now, but somehow he still managed to hold them back. Rey smiled.

"I'll always be with you, even if I'm not here physically," she whispered, breathing now becoming more of an effort. She could feel her body getting weaker; she was running out of time. "And I want you to know that I'm so _proud_ of you. You've worked so hard to come back."

"I'm not done yet, Rey. _We're_ not done yet. I can't do this alone. I - I can't do it without _you_."

His voice shook, but only one solitary tear fell.

"Yes, you can. I know you can. You are so strong, even without me."

"No, I'm not. Don't lie to me. You and I both know that without you, I am _nothing._ You can't leave me. _You just can't leave me._ "

All at once, the pain and the exhaustion rolled back over Rey. She didn't have the strength to fight it off anymore, and it was certainly getting more intense. "Ben, love...I think it's my time."

She found _herself_ struggling to hold back tears when Ben's walls crumbled and tears fell freely down his face as he sobbed. He cradled her head in his hands and brought it up to his, touching his forehead to hers.

"Please, no...Rey, please, please don't. _I love you._ Don't leave me. _Don't leave me_."

"I'm so sorry, Ben..."

With all the strength she could muster, she brought her hands up to grip his forearms and pull herself up enough to press her lips to his. They were the last things she felt before she let the exhaustion take over, and everything faded away…

* * *

Ben felt Rey go limp in his arms and his heart stopped. He pulled away from her, his chest tightening with dread, panic, and the excruciating sense of _loss_.

"No...no! No, no, no, no, no! Rey! Rey, _please!"_

Her face was pale, her hands cold and clammy, and the steady rise and fall of her chest was virtually nonexistent. Ben frantically checked for a pulse, even as he felt her Force signature fade. Soft, slow thumps met his fingertips through her skin, but it was disappearing even as he pulled his hand away.

"Rey... _Rey!_ Rey, please, sweetheart; don't leave. Don't leave, Rey. Not now. Rey, please, not now."

But it was too late. She sagged in his arms showing no sign that she would be waking up anytime soon. Or ever. He pulled her head back to his and rested his forehead against hers, his tears spilling onto her face.

"I need you...you can't leave. Come back. Please…"

He of course received no response, causing another strangled sob to escape his throat. She was gone. There wasn't going to be any bringing her back, there wasn't going to be any saving her. She was gone. He'd never see her again. He wondered if this was payment for what he'd done to Han and his mother. If the Force wanted him to feel how she'd felt. But this wasn't fair. Rey shouldn't have to pay the price for his crimes.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm so sorry."

He pulled her head back down into his lap, her face blurred by his tears. He blinked them away and her serene face came into focus. It wasn't fair, he thought, that she looked so peaceful. So at rest that she might even just be asleep. But she wasn't. She was too pale, too motionless, too cold. He cradled her in his arms, pulling her close to him like she _was_ just sleeping on his chest.

"I love you, Rey. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

He pressed his lips to the top of her head and remained there, rocking back and forth. He stayed like that for several minutes. He didn't notice when Finn and Poe rushed in, surrounded by a medical team. He didn't move an inch when they asked him what had happened. He didn't stop rocking her when they told him she was dead; he already knew. But when they tried to take her from him...he grew fiercely protective. He wasn't leaving her. It didn't matter that she was already gone. He lashed out at anyone who got close, all the while drawing Rey's body closer to him. He vaguely heard a muffled conversation between Finn and Poe, ending with Poe saying, "It'll only get worse if we let him hold onto her," and Finn saying, "He's lost about the only person left who cared about him. Only person we know for certain _he_ still cared about. The guy's got no family left. It's best we let him take her for now."

Finn came over and placed a hand on his shoulder. Ben nodded through his instructions, though he didn't hear most of them. He let himself be guided into a standing position and he pulled Rey even closer to him. He flinched away from anyone besides Finn who tried to touch him, almost snarling at anyone who _dared_ try to touch Rey. When they finally boarded the ship, he retreated to the farthest bench and sat down, curling his tall form over Rey. He could feel the gaze of countless people on him - some pitying, some terrified, some confused, some appalled - but he didn't care. He cared about nothing other than the delicate, fragile frame of what had once been his love lying in his arms.

His pain, his grief almost strangled him. But he couldn't cry. Everything was almost dreamlike, like soon he'd wake up and be back on base, Rey sleeping on a cot in the quarters adjacent to his own. But somehow, he knew he wouldn't. This was real. The fear he'd felt when he'd seen Hux come up behind her and run a large metal beam through her back had been real. The anger that he'd felt before striking Hux down right after had also been real. The warm, weak frame he'd cradled in his arms had been real. Her lips, warm against his, had been real. Her cold, lifeless body currently residing in his lap was _agonizingly_ real. This was no dream.

A few times during the trip back, Finn came over and attempted to talk to him. Ben did not indulge, but he did allow Finn to stroke the top of Rey's head a few times, realizing that he was not _possibly_ the only one in grief over this. Anyone else who tried to approach, however, was glared down, Ben wary of allowing people to come within even a few feet of them. He continuously found himself readjusting her in his lap, almost like he didn't want her to be uncomfortable. He had this fantasy that suddenly, in the middle of their trip, her eyes would flutter open and she'd gasp, all the life returning to her as she threw her arms his neck and he held her for all she was worth. He must have been going crazy, because he half expected it to happen.

But of course, it didn't.

The base was much too close for Ben's liking, and as soon as they landed and Ben found his way off the ship, his stomach sank. He knew what happened now.

Finn walked toward him, looking on the verge of tears himself. "Ben, we have to take her now. You have to let her go. She's gone."

Ben shook his head. He hadn't said a word since he'd apologized to Rey's body, but he spoke now.

" _I can't._ "

Finn sighed. "I know. But you have to. She would want you to."

Ben knew him to be right, but also knew that when he let go of her and watched as she was wheeled away, the full emotional tidal wave that had been being held off would drown him, and he didn't know if he'd ever be able to come back up. "I can't lose her. I need her," he looked at Finn, trying desperately to convey that she couldn't just be dead or _he_ would die. "She has to come back."

"She can't."

A team of medics rolled up beside them, and Ben was in such a daze, struck by Finn's words, that he didn't notice as they took Rey out of his arms. As soon as they had her settled on the bed, they wheeled her away and something in Ben snapped.

" _No!_ NO! REY! GIVE HER BACK TO ME! DON'T TAKE HER! REY! _REY!_ "

Several men came and restrained him, even as he fell to his knees, tears streaming down his face. They finally dispersed when Finn crouched down next to him, placing a hand on his shoulder once again. "Come on; let's get you back to your room."

Finn practically dragged him back to his quarters, seating him on his bed. Ben put his face in his hands, hoping to stop the onslaught of emotions, but to no avail. They sat in silence for a long time, neither of them having enough strength to find the words. Finally, after what felt like a millennium, Finn shifted, taking a deep breath.

"Did you love her?" he asked, his voice shaky; he'd been crying.

"More than anything," Ben whispered, his voice little more than a squeak through his tears.

"She loved you, too," Finn responded. "More than I think I've ever seen anyone love another person."

It was little consolation. If anything, it made the pain worse. He hadn't deserved love like that. Especially not from her.

"You two were the most shocking thing to me," Finn continued in response to his silence. "But stars, you two loved each other." He paused, glancing sideways at Ben. "You would've done anything for her, wouldn't you?"

"Of course. I would've _died_ for her. I still would, if it would bring her back."

"She wouldn't want that."

"It doesn't really matter what she _wants_ , does it? It matters what's best for her and for everyone around her. And I'm pretty sure less people would grieve over my lifeless body than they will hers. She had so much left to do, so much life left to live, and she doesn't get that. But I do? Why?" the bitterness in his words almost left a taste in his mouth.

Finn shook his head. "I can't tell you that. But I don't begrudge you your life over hers. This wasn't your fault."

He got up from the bed and walked towards the door, and turned back to Ben, "Don't do anything you'll regret, Ben. Don't do anything she wouldn't want you to do if she was still alive."

"She isn't," Ben spat. "Or did you forget?

"Not if you let her die."

He slipped out the door, leaving Ben to heavily contemplate Finn's words.

* * *

Finn came to Ben's quarters the next morning expecting an absolute mess of a person. He was wary as he unlocked the door, expecting the room to be torn apart or Ben to be unresponsive from grief. What he saw instead was a relatively-put-together Ben, bathed and in clean clothes, just now pulling on his boots. Finn was silent both in shock and awe as he watched the other man finish getting ready, idly wondering if maybe he was in denial, believing that Rey was still alive and everything was still normal, or if the event had been so traumatic, he'd forgotten what had happened entirely. But when Ben paused for the briefest of moments before picking up Rey's lightsaber from his nightstand and pocketing it, clipping his own to his belt soon after, Finn knew that Ben was still completely aware of what had happened.

Ben turned around, looking surprised to see Finn standing there. He quickly recovered and did the last thing Finn expected him to do. He _smiled_.

It was small and somewhat half-hearted, but it was there, nonetheless. Finn smiled back, if only because he wasn't sure what else to do. He'd come in expecting a man in grief having a complete and total meltdown, but that isn't what he was met with. He had prepared for a totally different game, and now that his strategy had been demolished, Ben got to make the first move.

"You okay?"

Finn blinked. Was _he_ okay? _Was he okay?_ "Are you feeling alright, Ben?"

"I've been better, I'm not gonna lie."

He was _joking_ now? This couldn't be the same Ben he'd left in pieces the night before. There was something off about all of this.

"Do - do you remember what happened? What happened to...Rey?"

Ben's eyes darkened and his face fell but he didn't react much beyond that. He nodded, shoving his hands in his pockets and staring down at his shoes. Finn watched him fiddle with Rey's lightsaber before he answered. "I don't know if I'll ever be able to forget."

He looked back up at Finn, the broken man he'd been the night before now showing through the cracks of his unburdened façade. Finn nodded towards the bed and Ben sat down on it, Finn taking his previous spot on the bed next to him. Ben put his head in his hands, his fingers curling into his hair.

"Do you wanna tell me what's going on?" Finn asked, placing a hand on Ben's shoulder.

"She fought so hard to stay with me," he whispered, almost so quietly Finn didn't hear. "She held on for as long as she could. And when that time was up, she held on even longer. She was so strong. For me, for you, for everyone. And...last night, you said that she would only die if I let her. At first, I thought that was a cruel thing to say; I thought you were mocking me or telling me I hadn't done enough to save her."

"But-" Finn protested.

"That's not what you meant," Ben cut in, raising his head from his hands. "I know that now. It's okay. I know that what you were trying to tell me was that she would only be gone if I forgot her. If I forgot the way she looked at me, the way she smiled, the way always closed her eyes and took a deep breath when she walked outside, the way she lifted everyone's spirits when she walked into a room, the way she fought for what she believed and for those she believed in, the way she _forgave_. If I forget how strong she was, if I forget what she would've wanted, then she does truly die. So, I won't. I won't forget. I'll remember what she would've wanted for me every day for the rest of my life, and that starts now."

Finn was rendered speechless, unable to comprehend the dramatic change his words had inspired in this man. He was surprised to see that he wasn't yet done.

"And it hurts," Ben sighed, "of course it does. It hurts like hell. And it's going to for awhile, if not until the day I'm dead. But I have to keep living. That's what she would've wanted for me. That's what she did want. So I'm going to give it to her."

He stood up off the bed, walking towards the door, and Finn, in a daze, rose and followed. As they walked towards the mess hall, Finn finally tried to speak.

"How-" he tried. "How are you-?"

Ben stopped suddenly, turning to smile once again at Finn. He placed a hand on his shoulder, and Finn shut his gaping mouth.

"I've always been willing to die for her, Finn. I've always said I would. And I meant it, too. Every time. I knew it would be hard, and I always said I'd die for her because I thought it would be the 'hardest' thing a person would have to do. The thing that would most prove to someone that you loved them. But I was wrong. Now...now I'm going to do something even harder.

"I'm going to live for her."


End file.
